Lost in space

blah

2004-05-03T08:41:32Z

icky...feelin' real icky...gonna sleep the morning away...won't be in school. sorry sweetheart. I'll hug you extra tight tomorrow :-)

*muah

miss you
and
love you

jay

and by the way...

2004-04-30T05:09:45Z

Loving you Stacy

Random thoughts...

2004-04-30T05:06:19Z

I think my hate for my dad is growing. It's sick. I feel guilty. I don't like this. I love them both...but he's doing more and more for me to get angry. My therapist helped me a lot today, gave me some things to think about and some stuff to try with my parents...most importantly acknowledging stuff that they do that is positive, or helps me. Pointing it out will help it happen more often. Started as soon as I got in the car...told him how much I appreciated him driving me around everywhere, he doens't have a choice, but he doesn't complain. I appreciate that though. Later on I told him how I am affect when all of our discussions are focused on the negative things in my life, or that I do. yea...so that conversation went no where. He's convinced that being my father entitles him to do what he pleases and that it empowers him to make me do what he wishes. I have lost all of my respect for this man.

Got back from work. Mom asks how work was. Dad says hi. What is the next topic? Don't even remember...but it was about something negative, or something I didn't do right. Reminded him about what I tried to share with him earlier. He went off...I'm the problem. I'm a fuck up. It's sad. I hate living here. I hate the anger he fills me with. I hate this life. I hate him.

So I'm at a red light, behind an ambulance and there's an 18 wheeler in the next lane. Just before the light changes this girl starts to cross the street. Walks in between the car and the ambulance. Faces the truck and stops. The light goes green, and AS this truck driver ACCELERATES, this crazy woman tries to cross in front of him...approaching from his BLINDSIDE. I was in total shock. I saw someone almost die. Too bad...should die if you're THAT dumb. Nature's new form of natural selection. HA!

Kitty is eating. finishes...walks to the carpet and throws up. Crazy fuck...

Shit...now I've got to find a subject...

a knife to my heart

2004-04-26T05:44:07Z

I went downstairs around 11...mom looked at me and said... "so when you were home on visits, from new dominion...were you being nice just because?"

I couldn't respond...I felt my heart go cold.

I don't know how much longer I can stay here...

whenever I'm in a semi-good-mood I can't come up with a subject...

2004-04-25T05:45:23Z

Stacy and her parents came by to eat...that made my night. Didn't even really get to spend time with them, but it was just so nice to see her. Oh the little things...

I love the smile I get when you see me
I feel so special
It warms my heart

That put me in a good mood

Parents...icky...that's all I have to say about that for today

I have enough worry in my life; worrying about what time I'm going to leave, to quell your paranoia about what I may be doing, is not something I am willing to do. Sorry.

wish I told him that...he told me to have jen call him if I was working past midnight...fuck that...

started techie work again for jim...saturdays and mid week stuff...need the extra money for boston...

love you (you know who you are)
night

last post for the night...even though it's really not, cause I'll post tomorrow...

2004-04-24T06:37:59Z

confused? yea...I am.

Just a quick thought...cause I think this rather twisted...Our entries start with the most recent...even though you may make a post, and refer to something you wrote in your last entry...but the person reading you journal hasn't read that yet...*sizzle...*pop!

uh oh

ok...I'm relaly going to bed

k...maybe not

2004-04-24T06:33:47Z

mmmm...

I am your spoken truth
I am the lies in you
I'm gonna make you shine
In everything you do
I am your lighted way and your darkest day
I'm here to help you see
You can't rely on me

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can...

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
and let me tell you...
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I am your piece of mind
Confusing all your time
I'm running through all your veins
I am your pain
I thought by now you'd know
I'll never let you go
It's time you recognize
I am the devil's eyes

Take me by my hand and let me show you what I am
I'm taking control again
Now I know I can
Take you back to where it all began
Cause I am

I am...Godsmack

Not speaking through the song right now...just enjoying the strong riffs, damn strong, damn good

night (de-ja-vu?)

so tired...

2004-04-24T06:30:31Z

'bout to fall asleep...will try to keep it short...blank...

Just a bad day...nothing added up...I couldn't add them up either...

miss Stacy... *sigh...I knew this was going to be hard...it's worse than I thought...it really sucks. She went on a canoing field trip with the ap enviro class. She came back last period...I skipped, bought some espresso then hung out with Krista killing time...It just so turns out she had gone to my art class looking for me...ever weirder...Krista and I were all over our journals, and poor Stacy was commenting to my recent entry from down in the library. Did I mention things weren't adding up? I waited outside afterwards, dunno what happened. grr... Sorry sweetheart.

Late night at work...didn't get home till 1am. Eep. Stacy and her mom are going to come in tomorrow evening for dinner. I'm all excited...I even spent the first couple hours all giddy an' stuff...then realized...hey...it's only Friday! But what an aggravating night...we were all annoyed with people today...not enough money to make up for the anger either. I scored some free sushi though. Damn I'm lovin sushi right now...mmmm....Suuuu-Shi... *drools...sorry...Came home and the cash I just broke my ass for the past 8 hours to earn...yea that 80 bucks went right to my internet bill...oh well. I bought a drink while right after work...that was nice...barely a good buzz though...kks...I'm going to bed. night.

ick

2004-04-23T13:23:40Z

Icky...feel all fuckin icky. First period in school. This day shall be yet another pointless one. How surprising. Things are fucked up. Took a screen with Charlene after that concert a couple of weeks ago. They picked up trace amounts of coke. Not surprising. I dunno anymore. I don't want to go on and on explaining everything. After that April 8th court date I gave up. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I relapsed, though I was disgusted with everything. I sat there, not even high, I felt sick...I hateed myself and my life, I hated the drug and everything about me. I still wanted to get high. I spent the night like that, and went through withdrawal Saturday...that blew...of course it did. I put it behind me though. I put it in pandora's box and closed the lid. It should have been out of my system by the time I took the screen, but I guess not. To be honest I don't really care...I mean shit sucks right now, but I'd be living another lie. I'm tired of lying. I hate that life. You always need to watch your back and do crazy shit to cover up everything, and eventually you blow it. Because of my curfew I'm not supposed to leave the state without telling the court. So the judge was pissed when they tried to call me into court and found out I was in Boston with Stacy. How wonderful. I love this shit. Though it's a good example of responsibility. It's my responsibility to know all of the curfew stuff and the limitations...although the court never made this shit easy. I remember the first time I was put on the curfew..."oh this is easy...don't worry...all you need to do is call in before the time..." oh if it were only that easy...

write more later...periods up

k...space cadet here...I'm back...so get this...So I just left the library and went to english...period 1...only when I went into the class room it wasn't my class. I was like huh? Took me awhile to make the connection...it was period 6...not 1...I spent period 5 in the library doing my thing...and I THOUGHT it was 6...so I actually skipped history...oops. Mr. DiRissio'll be annoyed. Oh well. Anywho...back to my past few weeks.

I want to think about this and have it appear on the screen...I'm sick of typing it all out...fuck that...I don't even want to think about it anymore. I've told so many different people I'm sick of the thoughts.

Saw the judge...last Thursday...the 14th I think. Angry...she was fuckin pissed...get him out of my sight...sent me to the training school. It didn't really seem real. The training school. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't scared of getting my ass kicked...though I was worried about fighting. I hate fights. I like to fight...dunno why...I hate violence...dunno. I didn't want to have to fight. I thought more people would have started shit with me, but most people just left me be. It wasn't really all that bad...just horribly BORING...so much time to do nothing. It's difficult to sit somewhere...doing nothing, and feeling like you're wasting your time. I knew I was wasting my time...the training school is no place for me...but I got myself there. No one sees it as a mistake...dunno how to explain that. I feel like everyone is mad and angry and pissed and sick of me and looking down at me and all that shit. Stacy is the only one I feel care from. Her hugs warm me...I feel like...yes...I mad a mistake...but its a mistake...mistakes can be made...there's no need to make the same mistake twice though.

Being in a room would have made everything. Lucky, lucky me...I was put on the floor. The rooms are absolutely tiny...I mean you expect them to be small but they were smaller than I have ever seen. Each room was about 8 feet long and 6 feet wide, with a bed - single, and a desk. Ick. Claustrophobia closes in within minutes. Having a spot on the floor was nice though...I mean as nice as it can get. No walls closing in on you. Not as dark and dreary. Other guys on the floor. People walking around. Staff fuckin around. It's all entertainment. THe staff could be soooo funny...well only sometimes...more often they were fuckin with someone else and it was great to watch. This kid Montanez...his room was right across from me...he was such a pain in the ass for the staff. Didn't take shit from anyone, so he got into a lot of problems with people. He would TRY to piss off the staff and they'd fuck him up. He once didn't get out of bed, so a couple guys rushed his shit, ripped out the mattress from underneath him, shoved him into the corner, threw the matress out of the room and left. They locked in the room all day, all three meals delivered to him, matress sitting outside the door. He would get locked up all the time...lock ups are for 5 days...come out only for bathroom, water, and showers. He was actually pretty stoopid...he could have had his charges dropped or just put on probation if he just shut his mouth. I don't really know all of the details...he hit is girl or something like that, she went to his sister's house, he went there, they all got into some arguments (he was drunk I think), his sister started to call the cops, he went off, hit her, cops came later that day, he smacked the officer's hand when they approached him, ran his mouth, then in detention, lock up after lock up has extended his court dates and all of that...what an idiot.

No one really bothered me. I was pretty quiet. Didn't bother the staff so they didn't really give me any shit...every now and then they'll make fun of you for something or say something horribly sarcastic, but that's normal. I definately wasn't the biggest or the strongest...but I'm not really puny either...most of the kids were smaller than me, most kids were 16 or younger. It was fun exchanging stories and finding out why people were there. Ant, 17 year old with nice corn rows...really nice...picked up with an ak. Some guys were out on his front lawn letting the shit spew out...he actually did the right thing and called the cops. They NEVER came...so he got his cousins ak-47 and went out there. Somehow the cops were tipped off and they rushed his house later that night. He was in the back yard when they drove by, he ran into the house, stashed it and then they came. I don't blame him for what he did. You often have to take matters into your own hands when you're in the hood. The ak was totally clean though, fully registered to his cousin...totally legal...ha! They charged him with operating without a license and running from them or something...he might get smacked though because only a month ago he was bagged with a nine. That's 2 felonies...2 more and he's off to the aci for awhile. Aci...this spanish kid was in there...dunno what he did...but he's fucked. If he's conficted he's looking at 25 years in the aci...that's some heavy shit. You've really got to go way fuckin out there to get 25...There were a couple in for armed robbery...assault with a deadly weapon...a few caught with stones, between 2 and 5, one guy had 20 something...this one numb nuts, a true emmy award winner as George Carlin would say, brought a can of gasoline, a bb gun, and a bong to school. Says he was planning to light some shit on fire and go out shooting a few people after school, and of course smoke up. Lots of guys violated their probation, stoopid shit like me. M'Bahia, cool guy, very polite and honorable, dangerous as fuck though...one of those quiet guys...watch out for the quiet ones. Driving without a license, and he was on probation. He and his boys had their gun stash - 5/6 different shottys, forty-five, nine, .357, nice, nice - hidden in this overgrown shrubby area...city never cut the grass...until one day...cops were called, they finger printed that shit and locked up nearly 1/2 of the projects. I don't know what this one guy was in for...it was something rather heavy...but he had to go to court on Tuesday, if the prosecutor's witness showed up he'd be locked up...he was rather confident the girl wasn't going to show...she didn't and he was left. I dunno what they did, but a couple guys were waived...waived to the ACI that is (a. c. i. - a-DULT CO-REC-tions INS-ti-TU-tion)...yea fucked up shit. Court this past Wednesday judge put me on home confinement. Fuckin blows. Better than the training school for sure...but it's icky. I've got to rebuild now...starting from scratch...so I can go to school, work, threatment/therapy shit, and out with my parents...other than that I've got to call in every 2 hours from the house. I can't have friends over, use the phone, or contact my friends. FUCKED up yes...very much so. The only thing I can't really deal with is the restrictions on seeing and talking to my friends. I'm going to go crazy in the next week or so. Most definately. Mom and Dad are in that "make sure Jason is doing everything he is supposed to" attitude...it's getting on my nerves. I dunno how many times I've tried to say...I need to fuck up and get back up...get up...not fuckin PICKED up. Trying to find an apartment. Need one soon. It's gonna be tough though. I need to get everything done and in place without them patting me on the back. Need to go visit Wentworth as well...in Boston...I'll tell you more about that later. Bell rang again...more later

stacy

2004-04-15T03:34:17Z

Only In Orbit: Hey hon.
Only In Orbit: "Without my wounds, who was I? My scars were my face, my past was my life. It wasn't like I didn't know where all this remembering got you, all that hunger for beauty and astonishing cruelty and ever-present loss...but I knew one more thing. The people who denied who they were or where they had been were in the greatest danger. They were blind sleepwalkers on tightropes, fingers scoring thin air" ~White Oleander. (A book a highly recommend, by the way.)

finally....

2004-04-13T16:15:53Z

Guess those posts went through...boy was I pissed before.

Off to the movies...write more later.

godsmacker777 @ 2004-04-13T03:10:00

2004-04-13T07:08:46Z

this is fuckin up!

insert subject here

2004-04-13T07:07:55Z

10 minutes of 2am. Lots of stuff to write about. Oh where should I start? I don't really even remember anything from this morning. I know I didn't do much...think Ana was over for a little. We wanted to go check out the many apartment complex places on the southside, no car though. Supposed to meet Mike tomorrow about that car...hopefully it'll actually happen. God knows how many times I've told someone..."Getting that car tomorrow..." Whatever. I think we feel asleep on the couch for a little while. I was really pissed, called ticketmaster, ready to flip out, "where are my tickets bitch?!" Then I gave up. We left, time to walk to her house...mail came...HEY! these my tickets?! hell ya! DAMN right bitch! So they came...time for more phone calls. Damn court. Had to ask them. Guess they weren't too happy bout that. oh well...fuck em. Dad gave me shit. Told me I never mentioned that it was in Springfield MA. Said he wouldn't have given me permission. I looked at him like he was an alien...I wasn't looking for your permission...in fact I never once asked for it. There is another perspective to someone not telling you something...maybe you didn't hear it. Idiot. Drives me nuts. Want to love him. Don't think I can till I leave the house. 4pm psychiatrist appointment. Stopped by Stacy's first...needed to give her a hug an' kiss...nothing else. Just a good squeeze. (I smell cream...craving the cream...damn man...sorry about the random thoughts...) 5 minutes with Stacy, then over to the southside...Dr. Attiullah. Actually not that bad. Appointments suck though. I just want someone I can talk to. Is that so bad? Is that so hard? I hate all these people I've got to spill my guts to. It's not even real anymore...no longer is it my life. It's a story. Storytime kids! Gather round! Done with the Dr. pretty quickly...4.30pm. New prescription. Asked her bout ritalin, opinion? She thought it'd be good for me, need to get leveled first. I agree. Need to move out. Need my own apartment. Left the office, now out cruisin' wrote down some numbers. "Housing services" "Apartment complex" yada yada yada. Da hood. Da projos nigga. Nice ones...but the projos none the less. Cheap :-) Going to call tomorrow. Wanted to hug Stacy again...Stopped by again, 5pm. Squeeze. :-P Cuddle on the couch. mmmmm....so comforting. This was the high point in the day :-) Could have fallen asleep right then...home by 5.30...damn. Quickie? alright...but no condoms...lemme run to cvs. :-) kkks...be right back. 5 minutes. Gonna have to be REALLY quick. 5.30...need to be home. Mom home at 5.30 too. Boy would that be bad...if she walked in on us. Yea...well we'd hear her come up the stairs first. Got in position...get in the motion...mmmm...what's that? Guess we didn't hear her come up the stairs...quick the pjs on, shove it in...no time to even take off condom...shove that shit in there! Button pants, no zippin fly. Let's cuddle. We clearly look all fucked up...yes...we were just having sex. Well we had just started. You freaked us out, don't mind our not-all-there-ness. Talk about Wednesday's trip to Boston...kks. Weird with a condom still on your cock...oh well. Try to take it off...fuck it...later. Got to get home. Shelly's waiting in kitchen...poor thing had to talk to dad...uh. damn. Upstairs...grab the shit and go. Clean out pockets, get tickets, need some money, where are the directions? shitz. Take this fucking condom off! Where'd it go? not there anymore...uh oh...whatever. Who gives a fuck. Nick'll probably find it. That'd suck. Ha! Oh well...can't do anything now. Quick look for it on the way out. Off to Thayer...need some food. Antonio's burritos...damn yummy.

Daily Overview
April 12, 2004

A past relationship -- business or personal -- is about to step back into the spotlight for one last honorary mention. Stop thinking wistfully about what might have been -- even if you're looking into their eyes. Instead, think about what's possible now.

How'd it know bout Shelly and I?! fuck me. Damn crazy bitch. Off to Springfield. Weird hanging out with Shelly. She remembers alot more about what happen than I do. Too many drugs back then. No trouble getting to Springfield...hippodrome downtown...easy to find.

Smack crazy. Jumpin ahead...park couple blocks away, walk over, stand in line, searched, bathroom, tshirts, 30 bucks too much for me, Shelly bought one though...cute :-) Dropbox was playing. Into the crowd...just stand and hang out. They were ok. Only ok. New album, out tomorrow...well actually today. Ill nino, saw them only 3 months ago. Excited to see them again :-) Crowd pussy...Started the nino's first pit that night. People kinda sucked though. Played well...anticipating Smack so yea...jump ahead again. Drinks. 30 year old hitting on me. You were in the pit I can see. Yep :-) That's me...no concert without moshin. All sweaty I know...don't mind...I'll rum myself all over you...Where'd you go Shelly! Save me...not that bad...but you know. She's totally stoned. Kinda cute...but totally stoned. Talking amused me...hehe I'm so evil. Bought us drinks...dunno what they even were...club soda and something else. Citrus something probably. Bought water for the pit. Essential. 2 bottles, 1 in each cargo. Save em damn it! Shelly gonna drive, time to drink hers. The girls wanted to follow us..."bring us up front" ...ks... Jump ahead. Smack comes on...Opens with Straight out of Line...first 5 songs seamless (seamless? or faceless?). Absolutely no pause between the 5...lots of music...yummy...Keep Away, Re-align, Bad Religion, something else too...don't remember...there were 5 though. Short breather...how's it goin' SPRINGFIELD?! Jesus...Love Sully. Reminded me why he's so great. To the people in the balcony; Why all you fuckers up there? The fucks wrong with you? Sully made so much fun of them. With a tshirt like that you should know by now you can't come here and be up there. mmm....many more remarks...all funny. More songs. Beautiful. In the pit the ENTIRE time Smack played...did not leave ONCE. proud of myself. couple more songs...Sully hops in his drum set...crazy like 50 piece wrap around shit...it's a duel, they duke it out...solid 20 minute drum solos. Battlin...having fun...showing off. Great. Felt like I was in a rave. Danced. Danced and Danced. oh and guess what? I danced...ALOT. I'm sure I made a fool of myself...whatever. I had fun. I'm sure everyone thought I was high on something. People asked me later. Just high on Smack. mmmm....good night. Voodoo...hell ya. Lovely...dance and sing sing sing...mmmm...trippin in a trance I was...Awake. Time to leave. Big faceless backdrop splits in 2...exit. Shit...they can't leave now. They'll be back...let the crowd go nuts...we did...started pounding on the floor. :-) Serenity...oh yea...fuck me...so great. Stop now? fuck no...I stand Alone...wow...crazy shits. Nuts nuts nuts...that's it...Damn I love them. Found that guy...the one I knocked out. Oh I didn't tell ya...k in the pit...dunno what happened guy hits my collar bone...hard. Fuckin smashed his mouth. Out cold on the ground...guys pick him up, slappin in the face...wake up dude. the fuck...shit. Hope he doesn't wake up an flip out on my ass...wakes up...oh so out of it. Crazy shit. Lip's all bloody. Nose fucked up an red. oops...did I do that? Didn't mean it! Hug. You'll be fine. hehe...he was fine. Talked to him later...yea he was fucked up...another big bump on his head too. Oh well. Fun fun...I've got my fair share of that anyway. Think my eye is fucked...cheek too. Knee tender, back aches...neck icky...oh well...lots of fun. Those 2 drinks were nice...very relaxed...spent a lot of time in my rag doll mosh...go with the flow...fun. fun fun fun. Don't think I said fun enough? well it was fun fun fun....mmmmm....after...fuck where's Shelly? Couldn't find her during the show...only really tried once...wanted to sing moon baby to her...old story...first godsmack with mandy, shelly, and holly, mmmm oh yea :-) Moon baby damn good song. So anywho...find Shelly. Where's your shirt? Ripped off! the fuck...jesus...help me find it...kkks Sidetracked...bouncers tossin guitar picks all over the place...shit. Didn't get any...everyone grabbed em up. Pray to the Smack Gods...give up...it's not worth it. Not gonna find anything. Did give up...lookin for Shelly's shirt...fuck that too...look for Shelly...HEY! that a guitar pick?! hell ya! guess the Smack Gods WERE listening...good karma? Must do more good things for people...keep it up! Found Shelly...talk to more people. Time to leave...Out side...walkin away...it's raining! Fuck I'm cold! jesus...shit back on. Hot dogs...2 bucks...fuck why not. I'll eat anything at this point. shirts...10 bucks! *does a dance* hell ya...no fuckin 30 bones...10 bucks baby! *another dance* find the car...get in warm shit. Drunks yellin at us...please don't come after us...go away...time to drive. 90 south...shitz...think we passed mass pike exits and roads...off at next exit...food? hey there's a motel 8...we'll ask. Can you help us with some directions? we're looking for mass pike...well Mass is that way *point* the thought in my head...we're NOT in mass? The fuck...where are we? Enfield Conn. The fuck happened...shitz. kks time to backtrack. kks. hey! signs for mass pike...guess that worked. Driving is shit...Raining like fuckin nuts...Shelly goin fast...trunks going nuts...sprayin shit everywhere can barely see the lanes...grr...whatever...made it back. we're safe... k I'm done time to sleep...dentist at 8am...shitz

side note to Stacy... *muah* guess who? love you...

mmmm..... this is the REAL remix....

2004-04-11T06:14:13Z

"I miss the little things, I miss the simple things, I miss everything
about you"

ya'll can understand why I love this beautiful girl oh so much...eh?

guess what sweetie...I can say that I love you, and I love it.

Nipples and Tattoos

2004-04-11T06:10:47Z

Freakin out...sitting here, no shirt, some how my arms are tickling my nipples. Hehe...no good without Stacy. I like it when she tickles me :-) Eep! Looked at my chest. (I don't usually do this) I'm getting a hairy chest. Ick. I'm a hairy lil bitch. It sucks.

Want to get my tattoo! Friday I thought I could...that fell through though. Maybe tomorrow? I'll have to go out and find some random place. Dawn said she had a friend that would do it for cheap. Grr. I'd love to flip out like a 3 year old right now. That'd be nice.

godsmacker777 @ 2004-04-11T01:36:00

2004-04-11T06:06:49Z

Falling apart. Feel like I'm floating...floating as I fall through the clouds. It's fucked up. I wish so very much that I made it important to spend time with Stacy. There was a short opportunity, I decided to sleep instead...how selfish. There's that point where you just don't want to move. Wish I had moved though. Excited bout morrow though...guess who's back? Back again?..Stacy's back...well she will be tomorrow. We've got some really hott ideas...mmmm...

My day...So distant from mom and dad. It's sad. I hate it. I'm also sick of the shit. I'm tired of the continual cycle we go through. Every 5 weeks or so we start over. It's pathetic. I'm done with the explanations. Done with the letters, the notes, the words. I'm done with figuring everything out. Done with relying on their approval. Time to move on. Time for a new perspective. Time for something different. It sucks though...they think my life has gone to shit. The only shit is between us. Aside from our problems at home (at lot of which I create), I'm doing pretty well. I'm not trying to make them happy though, 2 weeks of curfew shit and the court'll be happy. Then it's back to the 9pm curfew, another 2 weeks it should be gone. It better be. Else I'll pop. Need to be out more. Too much time around the house.

Kevin and Momin over for the afternoon, worked on mission...so dorky I know. Ana called late morning, and we made plans to go out for the evening...4.30pm. 3.00 Dad decides to change his plans...no car. K....whatever I don't care. We went to Thayer, shimp burrito from Antonio's...yummy shit. Then to checkers an home before 7, still forgot to call in early though...surprised? nope...

Ana hung out at home for a little, Oriana came over. We watched Mulholland Drive. She didn't seem interested at all...that's too bad. I need to watch it again though. It's too much for my attention span. It's really impossible, physically impossible for me to understand it. I still enjoyed it though.

Wrestlin' an' Oriana fucked up my eye. You wouldn't believe...well actually it's not that bad...visually...but I can't see all that well. Maybe the alchohol though...whatever. I can't see out of my left eye and it's all red an' shitz.

Henry came over too. Hung out...lot's of fun. Lot's o sex talk. Excitement! 12.30 we wanted pizza. Went to Thayer. Stopped by Viva...all clubby an' shit, cheap drinks. Kaitlyn gave me a black russian, no ice for 3 bucks...oh such a sweetheart. Bought some cookies, Henry found the pizza. Fun fun fun...sneaking out again.

Oh! Fucked up shit...some girl talking on the phone, sitting on the porch. Maybe one of the tenants. I'd swear she had followed me as I walked around the porch. Raised my hand to signal silence, an' started to run (try not to set off the motion sensor light thingy). She freaked. Stood up an' semi screamed. Kept running. Hoped she wouldn't ring doorbell and report someone breaking in. I think she though I freaked out and ran, dunno though. Whatever. All that matters is that I'm still all woah...my eye is all fucked up though. Fuck it.

missing you...you know who you are. Excited bout morrow...don't forget the cuffs. mmmmm.....

Night all.

mmmmm

2004-04-11T05:12:29Z

I just wrote a whole paragraph and deleted it...yea it was THAT dumb. I was supposed to update last night. hold on...need to lie down on the floor and let the vodka wear off a bit. I'll write more soon.

i want to cry

2004-04-08T01:46:50Z

Godsmacker777: this blows
Only In Orbit: I don't know who I can talk to about it...everyone would think we were crazy.
Godsmacker777: exactly
Godsmacker777: i wish i could talk to my parents
Godsmacker777: that would be the dumbest thing i could do
Only In Orbit: Your parents would like, ban me from the house.
Godsmacker777: then they'd chain me to my bed

i'm sick of this

2004-04-08T00:27:44Z

Life is really difficult sometimes, (this is nothing new to me) it royally sucks though. I always forget how much I hate that hopeless feeling, it creeps back up though. RISD is on my shit list now. They've really made everything difficult. They rejected Stacy...so now her options are Maine college of Art, Mass. Art, The School of Visual Arts NY, and someother - the first 2 being her top 2 choices. With going to RISD as a possibility for her, we both avoided the possibility we would be separated. Not like I never thought of it; I certainly did, but it didn't seem real. I expected them to see her talent, I didn't expect to have to worry about dealing with this shit. Now we're facing reality, we will be separated. I could go with her to Boston, I kind of want to...but I want to go to URI. Can't do both. Then there's Ana, she should go to Classical...but if I take her to Boston...that's not possible. Should I stay here in Providence? Wish I could avoid all of this. Stacy and I can't deal with the reality right now...it's hard. I feel helpless when I think about it. I never imagined how much she really meant to me. I enjoyed a wonderful passover dinner with Stacy and some friends of her family. It was rather nice, but I realized how much I hated the thought of leaving her. I never thought I cared about her this much. I wish I could eliminate emotion...it's ridiculous I know...whatever.

journal

2004-04-07T21:03:41Z

oh yea...I got my journal back! See the colors?

*dance

some people are such bitches

2004-04-07T21:01:55Z

It's rather sucky. I saw Maya the other morning on her way to breakfast. Later that day I told her that I thought she was rather cute. I wasn't hitting on her or anything...it's obvious when I hit on people. She was like "thanks, you tryin' to be gangsta?" She was refering to my bandana, but that didn't click at first. Why are people so ridiculous? I was absolutely shocked to hear something like that. I had thought she had more sense than to assume I was that much of a poser bitch. Is it me? Am I poser, trying to be a fuckin' cracker ass wigga, just because I wear a bandana one day? Yea colors and bandanas may mean something to some people...a very few people...can I just like wearing a bandana? Can I do anything I like, and not just because other people do it? Fuck this shit.

Yesterday I spent a bunch of time looking at other people's live journal, including this one person who posted their aim screen name to be imed. So then today I im this random person, just to talk. I guess you can't im random people just to talk. I guess that is forbidden...you need a reason...I told em I'd leave em alone, then they blocked me. Why are so many people so rude?

violence

2004-04-06T05:27:11Z

Cut...I'd like to cut...dunno why. Random thoughts.

I would like to tell you about my day...I shall, but it's 1.20 am, so it won't be all that interesting.

Today was wonderful...until I saw my dad. Went to Stacy's (Samantha too) after school. We were waiting to hear from RISD. We sat in front of the door and played the careers game with the mail slot proped open. It was rather fun. I'm sure it would have been a great thing to see. Stacy won, I didn't have much time left and we wanted to have sex...so Samantha left.

In 1/2 an hour we crossed 3 separate things off our great list of "places and ways to have sex." We sat in her mother's computer chair, in her mother's office. WE were partially clothed, very sexy. mmmm....skirt. Words are words...not very good at communicating a physical sensation, especially extreme pleasure...I guess that will suffice, extreme pleasure. It had been quite awhile since I last came, and it was especially pleasing after teasing one another Sunday night (well my medication was too much of an inhibitor...but I fingured her 3...1...2...3...separate times...mmmmm). As far as I could see she enjoyed herself too...still haven't given her a good orgasm though *sniff* That's my current goal...

Night.

Randomity

2004-04-04T09:51:20Z

hmm...I like making up words.

I was wondering...a question for those of you who consistently (or close to consistently, i.e. more than once) check other people's journal entries. Do people tend to read unread entries from the oldest first, or from the newest and on down? There's a slim chance that question makes sense. There is really no simple way to word that.

anywho.
if you were wondering...I'm not really looking for an answer here. I periodically have the tendency to ponder in the quisitive tense.

Last Monday Stacy and I spent all kinds of crazy time trying to make my journal all prettified and aesthetically tasteful...and in 2 seconds (tops) I fuck it up. (don't let me lie...Stacy did all of the work)

Maybe I'll figure this customizing shit out and bring back the past beauty.

4 in the morning

2004-04-04T09:35:00Z

It's not really 4 in the morning. It is 5.30 though. hehe. Couldn't sleep (maybe I taking that ritalin at midnight wasn't such a great idea...) Oh well. I also slept all Saturday afternoon. It's weird. My sleep schedule has been ALL OVER the place. In the past 2 weeks there hasn't been 2 days that I slept for the same amount of time, nor between the same hours. 2 weeks of this shit'll fuck with ya. I think I slept all afternoon recently...but I don't remember. At work (like 6 hours ago...Saturday) I told someone about sleeping all day...I have this vague memory of doing that before. Total dejavu...delayed dejavu.
Stacy and I are going to Boston today...I'm excited! We're gonna go to the aquirium (sp?) for the day, maybe go into the city and do some other stuff. It's all open ended. You wouldn't believe how difficult dad made this. :sigh: I can't wait to be on my own...
That's enough for now. It's hard writing...I feel bad hardly ever writing here...I mean there's lots of stuff I want to write...but I hate typing it all out! So lazy...I know. Ok...goodnight.

numb tongue

2004-03-31T01:26:46Z

Bored! It often gets the best of me.

I've been lazy, haven't posted in awhile.

Yesterday was so very enjoyable. Took the day off from school to get a bunch of homework done and spend the day with Stacy :-)

School was so boring today; yesterday feels like so long ago. It's weird writing about it now. Food break...I'm cravin' an English muffin an' some rasberry jam...mmmmmm...

laters